Total Drama NOUN!
by Nigel the Octopus
Summary: After Total Drama Island, Chris has dragged the contestants into yet another non-canon season, parodying trends in Total Drama fanfiction as well as the series proper. Co-written with Aurellia Faun.
1. Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Chris grinned at the camera. "Hello, questionable people of the internet who've probably seen at least one episode of Total Drama! We're coming at you whenever this author bothers to update, from Muskoka, Ontario!"

"Chris! Why did you schedule the next season for the day after Island? And why'd you put everyone on fancy yachts and tell them the same lies as last time?" Chef yelled from the kitchen.

"Thanks for reminding the readers that you exist, Chef! Anyways, this season I'm having before Action because I can has a grand prize of $100,000... or whatever's in this box!" Chris announced, holding up a moldy wooden box. "The winner also gets a guaranteed spot in Action, even if they already won that!"

"That said, let's meet our first contestant! He's been flanderized into a crybaby, killed animals across the globe, and usually ends up with Katie! Iiiiiit's DJ!"

A tall, dusky brickhouse wearing a white skullcap and the best shirt of all time jumped off a yacht and gave Chris a weird look. "Yo, Chris? None of those things are true. What's up with the intro?"

Chris just pointed to where DJ was supposed to go stand and began to introduce the next contestant. "Our next contestant is a few fries short of a Happy Meal, cussed out Heather on national TV, and grew a brain only to lose it in All Stars, iiiiiiiiit's Admiral Lindsay, her hotness!"

Lindsay, a gorgeous, well-endowed blonde in a blue bandana, halter top, skirt, and boots, waved for the camera. "Are you Tyler?" she asked DJ, having taken her place next to him. As he was about to speak, she continued, "Psych! I know what my own boyfriend looks like."

"Hm. Seems the authors are going with Island Lindsay. Nice! Next up is our favorite jock that sucks at everything - except taking loads of hilarious punishment! Tyler!" Chris chirped, gesturing to the dock.

Tyler, a clumsy, inept jock wearing a red tracksuit and sweatband waved at Chris from the air. He'd decided to skydive in and crashed into Lindsay. They immediately started making out. A cameraman zoomed in on them to make sure something interesting got on screen.

"Nice! Three introductions in and this season is already better than Island! Speaking of Island, she's proud to be a CIT, was unfairly voted off, sang a song about Gwen being a boyfriend kisser, and hooked up with some annoying ginger. Give it up foooooor Courtney!"

Courtney smiled and greeted the other contestants politely before tearing Chris a new one. "Okay, what was up with that intro? I barely even talked to Gwen, and last I checked, Duncan and I were fine, thank you very much!" She was about to continue, but the arrival of another contestant interrupted her.

"Gosh! Obviously Chris is referencing things that haven't happened yet in an attempt to entertain the readers through an arbitrary and boring scene! Island ended yesterday, and our appearances don't need to be described unless they've changed in some way! Idiots!"

"Harooold, you were supposed to wait for your cue!" Chris whined.

"Obviously I can't tolerate this idiocy any longer!" Harold snapped, earning himself a lengthy description.

"Our latest contestant, who was supposed to wait for his cue, is a beatboxing champion, got his pants stolen by Duncan, rigged the votes against Courtney, solved a murder mystery, was boring in World Tour, joined the drama brothers-"

Harold stopped him there. "Chris! If you're going to reference stuff that happens in later seasons, at least get your facts straight! The Drama Brothers broke up between Action and World Tour, and I went solo! Gosh! Idiot!"

"I wasn't finished, Harold! He sang a song for LeShawna, got punched out by a kangaroo, and was ignored for 3 seasons! Iiiiiiiit's Harold!"

"I was already introduced just by showing up! Your comments were superfluous! Idiot!" Harold replied, but also took his place next to Courtney, who, surprisingly, did not try to physically harm him, though he still got glared at.

Chris rolled his eyes and continued. "He's almost universally loved by the fanbase, doesn't care about anything, and usually makes it pretty far in these fics! Noah, everybody!"

Noah stepped off the yacht, reading a book. "Whatever. I'm only here to provide sarcastic humor for this anyways."

"And that's the only reason you're here. Unless one of your many, many fanon love interests doesn't have a purpose. Then you're getting into a relationship for no reason!" Chris beamed at him, "Isn't that great?"

Noah walked over to the other contestants and stood next to Harold. "What would really be great is if you'd given us more than an hour of downtime before shoving us on yachts."

"Our next contestant _might_ have learned her lesson about trusting the wrong people, _may_ have a boyfriend, but definitely got her braces off! Beth, everyone!"

Beth walked up, hugged Chris, and went to stand by the less boring contestants.

Loud music blared as the next boat came within a mile off the dock. "Party ahoy!" yelled a boy who could only be Geoff. Everyone with decent hearing cringed as the boat drew closer. A cannon could be seen on deck. "Ready, Freddy?"

"Silly Geoff, I'm Izzy, not Freddy. I thought Lindsay was bad with names. Gosh, I hope we're not going back to Total Drama right after the last season happened. That'd be so tacky! I wanna show off my skis! Ooh! Would Chris let us go skiing for our talent? I mean, this is a talent contest, right? Or was that the other show we were just on?"

"I'll take that as a yes! Woohoo! Three seconds….. two… one...GO!" Geoff fired the cannon, shooting Izzy and a metric ton of confetti straight at Chris. The manic redhead didn't even try to avert her course, resulting in both of them falling into the water.

Izzy dunked Chris's head underwater as she scrambled onto the dock. He started hyperventilating and Chef had to call in the makeup team and Chris's personal hair stylist. "Just… for that…" the self-proclaimed "handsome" host gasped, "Izzy… will be receiving… Total Drama's… first ever… Marked for Elimination penalty!" He proceeded to pass out before anyone could ask him what that was.

"Sooo… What now?" DJ asked.

Harold glared at him. "Isn't it obvious? Chris won't let any more people show up until he's back to looking like a 1970's pop singer. We'll have to wait for hours!"

The next yacht, belonging to Duncan was stuck circling the dock. "So what is this whole 'Marked for Elimination' thing about?" Courtney asked, staring at the yacht impatiently.

"Chris ran out of things to steal from Survivor, so he stole the most hated non-elimination penalty in the history of the Amazing Race! He didn't even change the name! Normally the team that finished last would have to finish first on the next leg or receive a 30 minute penalty, but that wouldn't work for Total Drama Ripoff, or whatever this season's called. Knowing Chris, he'll just stick whoever annoys him with 3 automatic votes against them or something lazy like that. He's such an idiot! Doesn't he know that this could completely ruin the voting strategy of the game?"

"No one cares, dweeb!" Duncan yelled from the deck, "What's taking so long?"

At that moment, Chef returned. "Criminal! Get on the dock by Psycho and Boring. I'm filling in for Chris because he's being a pussy."

Duncan complied and the other contestants nodded in agreement. Chris _was_ a pussy sometimes.

"Our next congestant-" Chef squinted at the teleprompter "-uh, _contestant_ is… aw, screw this! Leshawna! She's here now."

"What's up, y'all Leshawna's in it to win it this time! Now that we're being judged on our actual talents-"

"That was just a lie to get all of you to come back!" Chef interrupted. All of the contestants began to whine and complain. "Shut your traps! I'm not supposed to say this, but our first challenge is a talent show and everyone's gonna do something. So clap your traps and welcome our next contestant - Homeschool!"

As soon as Zeke stepped off the boat, he was hit in the head by a shoe.

"That was for whatever sexist thing you were thinking!" Izzy said.

"Yo dawg, that ain't chill. I'm rapper Zeke, eh! Aren't rappers supposed to be sexist?"

Another shoe hit Zeke in the groin. "Oh, stop conforming to stereotypes!" Courtney, the thrower, complained. "No one's 'supposed' to be sexist!"

"No one's supposed to be throwing my shoes at people either, but here we are!" Noah snarked. "Izzy I expect this from, but Little Miss Prim and Proper?"

Courtney shrugged. "Sorry, it just looked kinda fun when Izzy did it."

"You could have taken shoes from someone else, like your boyfriend-"

Courtney looked disgusted. "Duncan's feet are gross!"

"Love you too, princess!"

"Psycho! Prissy! Criminal! Lazy! Shut your traps! There's still," Chef paused to count on his fingers, "ten people left to introduce! I need to read these teleprompters now or we'll run out of time in the episode for the challenge again! Goth! You're up!"

Gwen looked at the summer camp, the contestants, and Chef. "It's the same game, but we're gonna see Heather bald, right? Where's Chris?"  
"None of your dang business! Go stand over there!" Chef ordered.

Gwen walked over to Leshawna and gave her a high five.

"I bet Chris was too lazy to change the teams, so at least I'm with someone I can stand."  
Chef started reading Chris's speech about Owen, "The next contestant farted his way to victory, lost his prize money by gambling it away, spent his nonexistent money on cheese, thanked the Academy, was on a commercial for an ab rol- okay, who wrote this crap? Owen! Get over here!"

"Wooohooo! I'm so psyched to be here, I'll win this talent show for sure!"

"We've already been over this, Chris lied, it's the same game as before."

Owen stared blankly at Chef for a few moments. "WOOHOO! Awesome! I was good at that stuff!" He glomped Chef for a full minute before wandering off to talk to Geoff.

Chef shuddered. "Our next contestant is part of a hive mind! Katie and Sadie. No screeching, no talking, no nothin'! Just stand by Lazy!"

The girls obeyed, Katie rolling her eyes as they walked.

"Next up is a man of few words that aren't about himself, an awful Action antagonist, and by far the most handsome man I've ever seen…"  
"Chris McClean!" Chris said, flashing his cheesy grin at the camera, "Thanks for introducing me, Chef. You're a great guy."

Justin stood awkwardly off to the side while Chef ranted at Chris about his stupid ego. "I'm just gonna go over there…" he muttered, sliding awkwardly over to the furthest space away from Owen.

"Next up is a fanfic powerhouse who's been paired with a surprising amount of people, was almost unstoppable during our No Pain, No Gain challenge, and is a fan favorite. Not really that last one, but we like her. Eva!"

Surprisingly (to the contestants, not the readers who should be used to this right now), Eva calmly stepped off her yacht carrying a duffel bag that weighed more than Owen. In one hand. Sorry, with one finger.

"I heard about Tyler's super strong fingers, so I did some training in between seasons just to make sure that I was better than him at everything," Eva said with a smirk, hoping to spark an athletic rivalry so she could get more screentime this season.

Tyler looked down at his fingers, which looked like shriveled little shriveled things. He sighed.

"Our next camper can curve a dodgeball, peed their pants on national TV, bugged Gwen, made Owen into their dish slave, punched out Duncan-"

"When did that happen?" Duncan interrupted.

"Greece's Pieces. They should have just gone left, found love in a crazy stalkerish place, placed third-"

Owen gasped and looked at the yacht fearfully. " _Heather's_ back? That girl is the meanest meanie in all of Kalamazoo! I knew she was mean, but I didn't think she was mean enough to bug Gwen!"

Dramatic lighting lit up the yacht, Heather's evil theme music started playing, and out walked Cody. "Um, no, Heather didn't do any of those things, wait, she did bug Gwen and finish third. _I_ didn't do half of those things. I did get mauled by a bear, though." He proceeded to show off his super cool, kinda scabby bear claw scars that ran down his back, because the bear knew enough about reality shows not to scar him anywhere that could be visible on screen. Think of the stock footage that could have been lost! The camptestants all looked suitably impressed by Cody's gross back, and Chris started his next spiel.

"Our next contestant can stand on her hands for half an hour, surfs, is a vegetarian, hooked up with Geoff, surfs, hosted the Aftermath, surfs, made out with a pole, surfs, cared for Bruno the bear, and surfs! Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Bridgette!"

"WOO HOO!" Geoff cheered, running to meet his girlfriend at the end of the dock. In their excitement, several people got clocked with the surfboard that Bridgette had brought AGAIN despite knowing that Wawanakwa was a really crappy place to surf.

"Now, Bridgette," Chris chided, "Before you do anything, you have to promise not to make out with your boy toy during all the challenges until your personalities become sucked into a soulless void from which nothing escapes~!"

Bridgette blinked, not really sure how to respond to that, while Geoff's perma-grin grew wider. "Whatevs, host-man! We're gonna win that box!"

"That's nice, but we're running out of time. Next up is a musician, a man of many mysteries, the biggest one being why there are five fingers on the hand on his shirt, a lover of the number nine, Gwen's boyfriend, a sane person, a pain magnet, and a guy with a weak stomach! Trent!" Chris read, staring at the watch that he had spontaneously gained. "Trent, no time for protests, go, stand!" the host ordered, desperately looking out at the lake for a glimpse of the last yacht.

His efforts were rewarded. "Let's face it, you all know who's left. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's HEATHER!"

All of the campers groaned in unison. "Well, at least we know who's going home first," Trent said with a glare, having not gotten enough screentime. "Who would vote for anyone else?"

"Oh please, like I'd do the exact same thing as _last_ season. Obviously no one's stupid or desperate enough to ally with me," Heather protested. She was, as Gwen predicted, bald.

"I'm both, eh!" Zeke put in. He was ignored.

"I'm neither, but I'd be glad to help you… _m'lady_ ," Harold added, waggling his eyebrows. Leshawna smacked him lightly upside the head, but it still caused her sort-of-kind-of-were-they-ever-officially-dating? boyfriend to fall into the lake.

Chris snapped his fingers and got the attention of the cameramen back where it belonged, on him. "We only have five minutes left, people! I need to set up this challenge so the proper drama and suspense can build between episodes! It's very complicated, so it should take me a while to explain it. Not to mention the Marked for Elimination penalty… No time for that! Talent show! It'll be awesome, 'cause you're all talented."

"I'm not, eh!"

"...Except for Zeke. He was cast for his hilarious sexism and we needed an early out. But that doesn't matter! You guys are making me waste a perfectly good intro! Kids these days, I swear," Chris continued, checking himself before he got on a rant. After all, he was still on a schedule. "Damn! Less than four hundred words left! We've only got a 3,000 word time slot, you know!"

Courtney raised her hand, and started talking without waiting for Chris to call on her. "Don't you mean a 30 minute time slot? This _is_ still a tv show, right?"

"If you're going to raise your hand, you need to wait to be called on. Didn't you learn anything in school? And yes, this is a tv show. But it's also not. It's complicated. Anyway, back to the talent show-"

"Wait, if this is the same game as last time, why are you already reusing challenges? Didn't you come up with anything more creative?" Izzy asked, jumping onto Owen's shoulders.

Chris decided to actually answer her, mostly to justify the repetition to the readers. "We did, but there was a bunch of internet backlash when we didn't let everybody show off their talents last season, so we're trying to appease the fans. This challenge will have every person on both teams competing, and whoever does the best on the losing team will win invincibility. Izzy has a Marked for Elimination penalty, but I'm sure you know what that is."

Harold rolled his eyes. "Only because I explained it to them, gosh! The Ridonculous Race would've been better suited to my mad skills."

"Quit talkin' about stuff that hasn't happened yet and get on with it!" Chef yelled.

"Ignoring whatever Harold was talking about, my totally original idea of the Marked for Elimination penalty means that Izzy will have not one, not two, but three automatic penalty votes against her, even if her team wins!" Chris waited for the campers to gasp, but they just stood there looking unimpressed.

"What gives? That was some great dramatic buildup!" Chris whined.

"Chris, that's exactly what I said it would be! It was so obvious that it didn't even surprise the people who weren't here for my explanation. Idiot!"

Chris snapped his fingers and looked at Chef expectantly, who was just standing there staring at him. "Do you expect me to just stand here and let people ruin my dramatic tension? Throw him in the lake!"

Chef picked up Harold, held him over his head, and stopped. "We just ran out of time! You need to-"


	2. Still Not Famous

"Last time on Total. Drama. Noun! The campers were introduced, Izzy was Marked for Elimination, and Harold was _supposed_ to be thrown in the lake," Chris summarized, glaring at Chef.

"It ain't my fault you wasted so much time introducing the campers, the audience better know who they are by now," Chef complained, crossing his arms.

"Of course they don't! Half of them are bland and forgettable! Anyways, that's all that happened. Today, we may actually get to the challenge! On… TOTAL! DRAMA! NOOOOOOUN!"

* * *

 _*Opening theme that doesn't count towards the episode word count limit*_

 _The lyrics are exactly the same as they always are, but Chris has photo-shopped his smiling face over the campers' faces in the theme from Island. Very, very badly._

* * *

"This is the Total Drama amphitheatre!" Chris announced, making a grand sweeping motion with his hand. The campers were too busy wondering how they got there to comment on the fact that he just announced a place that they'd all been to before.

"What the- Weren't you throwing Harold into the lake? Did you drug us or something?" Heather shrieked.

"No, it's just really boring to talk about how we get places, so that part got skipped. Did I pick the teams yet? I can't remember."

Most of the campers facepalmed as Sadie replied, "No, but I'm with Katie! GOT THAT?" The last two words were said with a roar worthy of Eva.

"Gosh! Obviously since you said that Chris is gonna separate you for more drama," Harold pointed out.

"He'd better not," Sadie replied, speaking normally, "Or we'll, like-"

"- _totally_ trash his trailer!" Katie finished.

Chris shuddered. "NO! No, you're on the same team. I didn't have enough time to come up with new team names, so I'm not changing the teams. But since people hate it when the team names get reused, whoever scores the highest on each team can choose their team name."

"Oh ho ho, YES!" Izzy cheered. "I vote for the Krazy Kaleidoscopes! Ooh! Or Noah's Unicorns! Or Team E-Scope! Or-"

"Enough!" Chris interrupted. "I think I will change the teams after this challenge… two highest scorers overall are the team captains!" He gave a side glance to the camera, muttering, "Gotta motivate those cranky kids somehow!"

* * *

"Did I mention that you can't use the same talent you used in TDI? Because that's also a rule," Chris announced as the campers ran around frantically trying to prepare for the challenge. No one was paying attention except Ezekiel.

"Hey, Chris dawg, I can showcase my mad rapping skills, eh?" Rapper Zeke asked, holding his bling in the host's face.

"Didn't you say you weren't talented in the last chapter? Curse your lack of regard for continuity, gosh!" Harold ranted, randomly appearing next to them.

He was ignored. "If you want to be embarrassed on national TV, be my guest. Challenge starts in thirty minutes!"

* * *

Beth took out her fire baton, but before she could light it Leshawna knocked it away. "Sorry, girl," the sister explained, "but last time didn't go so well, ya feelin' me?"

"But I went back and did the catching class! I can totally do it now, see?" Beth protested, tossing the unlit baton high above her head and catching it without even looking.

"Well, okay," Leshawna said, still a little dubious, "just don't light it 'til the real thing."

Beth nodded and began to create a routine.

Bridgette put her head in her hands. "I totally messed up last time, the surf here sucks, and there's no way I can sing on live TV! What do I do?"

"Think Chris'll let us use making out as a group act?" Geoff asked, not entirely joking.

"He didn't _say_ we couldn't, and I can't think of anything better, so sure. Do you want to practice? " she asked, twirling the end of her ponytail around a finger.

"Babe, you don't even need to ask!"

Cody watched them going at it from the other side of the ampitheatre with the rest of the Screaming Gophers. "So Gwen-"

"No!"

"...I was just gonna ask you what your talent is," he muttered. "I was thinking I'd act out Chris's big scene from _Badminton: the Movie_ to see if he'd give me a suck-up bonus."

"Oh," Gwen replied, suitably chastised. "Sorry. I'm just-"

"-worried Cody will try to steal you from Trent despite you telling him multiple times that you're not interested? Don't worry, Gwen, this isn't that kind of fic! And great job on the exposition, guys, best I've seen so far. I'll help you guys out so we can get to the challenge! I'm gonna juggle chainsaws, Noah's gonna read some Shakespeare, Leshawna's gonna dance, and Big O's gonna burp the alphabet in one go! Okay, I gotta go find two more chainsaws, bye!" Izzy finished before Gwen could say "paranoid". The redhead cartwheeled off, cackling maniacally.

Gwen awkwardly muttered, "Caricatures," then went to help her boyfriend practice his dancing.

Courtney quickly slid out of Izzy's way. "Watch where you're going!" she yelled. "You almost broke my violin!"

"Hey, Princess, wanna be my lovely assistant?" Duncan asked her, carving out lines on a human-shaped target that he'd found who-knows-where with his knife.

"Don't call me that! And no thanks, this time I'm not going to be injured before I can perform!" the former CIT responded. She and Duncan were standing as far away from stage lights as physically possible while still being in the ampitheatre.

"Oh, relax. It's not like the same thing will happen twice. If you won't help me, I'm sure I can find someone else." Duncan looked around and saw a pile of fake gold chains that could only be Ezekiel. Shuddering, he looked away.

Harold suddenly appeared right in front of him. "As long as you go after I show off my mad figure skating skills, I could do it. Even you wouldn't be a big enough idiot to risk your chances of winning on being a jerk."

Duncan shrugged, and continued carving his target so the focus could shift to someone else.

"Wow, you have to actually, like, use a talent this time," Lindsay said to Heather, glaring.

"I'm a ballerina, Lindsiot. What are you gonna do, a photoshoot?"

"OMG That's a great idea! I have this new bikini that Chip'll love, and this reeeally cute outfit I didn't get to wear last season, oh, I should totally have Tyler help me get ready!" Lindsay ran off to find Tyler, who was practicing his yo-yo skills. He was doing pretty good until she glomped him from behind, causing both of them to fall over and get wrapped in the string.

Eva took one look at them and walked away, shaking her head. "Morons."

"Oh my gosh, like, that is _so_ not nice-" Katie began.

"-so _totally_ not nice, I mean-" Sadie continued.

"What'd they ever do to you?"

"I know, right, why would you say something like that?"

Eva, glaring at both of them, snarled, "Because I'm _not_ nice. Got a problem with that?"

"Y'know, we did spend, like, most of last season at the Playa together, Eva."

"Yah, we're not, like, scared of you."

"Okay, maybe a little, like when you get really, _really_ mad-"

"-but not when you're, like, normal like this."

Eva wasn't sure how to respond to this, _everybody_ was afraid of her. "Pfft, whatever. I'm going to go practice my act."

"Go ahead. We need to work on our dance routine. It's going to be-"

"-like so much better-"

"-it'll blow Chris away!" With that, Katie and Sadie left to find a place that wasn't filled with people panicking about the challenge. The closest thing they found was the cliff that needs to be described even though it's the only cliff on the island. It was tall, as cliffs are wont to be, and steep. It overlooked the camp and was the only noteworthy landmark on the island, but not the only one that will be described as if no one's seen it before.

The only one at the cliff was Justin. He was having trouble thinking of an actual talent he had. He'd already used his hotness once, and Chris said no repeat acts. At least he thought Chris had said that, it was hard to hear him over everyone panicking.

Naturally, Justin's mere presence caused Katie and Sadie to faint, but he took no notice. It happened all the time; one day at the Playa Beth had been unconscious for an entire day because Justin had tried to have a conversation with her. He'd complimented her, and that was more than she could handle. This was why he tended not to talk much. Suddenly, it dawned on him that he could use this as a talent! It wasn't technically just hotness. Ten minutes after he fled the cliff to get ready, Katie and Sadie revived and began to practice.

* * *

Now that most of the important people had been mentioned, it was time for the actual talent show. A giant crowd of screaming fans led by Sierra had taken over the bleachers, so the contestants gathered backstage. Chris greeted them and, again, explained the challenge.

"Camptestants! You'll be performing your talents for Grand Master Chef who will rate you on a scale from 1, which is totally sucktacular, to 10, which is Chris McClean-like. Also watching will be a bunch of Total Drama fans we found, just for added pressure. Owen! You're up! Did you write an introduction for me to read off?"

"I was supposed to do that?" Owen quickly scribbled something down on a napkin and handed it to Chris.

Chris did his best to read the scribbled on napkin, "Owen is going to birp the entire elfabet in won go."

Owen ran out to the stage, chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda, and burped. "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOCQRSTUBWXYZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

All the guys and the crowd of fans cheered very loudly, while the girls looked disgusted. Except for Izzy. "You go Big O!"

A fake drumroll came from somewhere unimportant as Chef revealed the score. "It would've been higher, but you messed up a few times. 6.5! Next up is Gwen! She didn't write an intro, but here she is, doin' her thing!" Chris said, not noticing that his "perfect" hair had been blown back by the force of Owen's belch.

Gwen stood on the stage with an oversized sketch pad, and started drawing a caricature of Chris. Because he wasn't judging her, she added devil horns and a pitchfork. All the campers laughed and applauded her.

The fake drumroll came back, and it was revealed that Gwen had scored a 6. Later, Chef told her that if Chris didn't sign his paycheck, he would've given her a 10.

"Next we have Heather, who's actually doing what she said this time and dancing for us! Not sure what she's dancing to, she never told anyone important, namely me, what song to play."

"What are you talking about? I specifically said-"

Chris interrupted, "So I'll choose for her! How does Soulja Boy sound to you?"

"I'm a ballet dancer! That song is the exact opposite of ballet music!"

"Don't care! Heather, everyone!"

Heather just stood there as Soulja Boy started playing. Her dance routine wouldn't fit the rhythm of the song, but she needed to win invincibility and be a team captain if she wanted to make it past day one. She wouldn't put it past the rest of her team to bomb their acts just to get rid of her. No one was thinking of doing anything of the sort, because everyone tends to forget they can do anything other than play fairly until there's a clear villain, but Heather didn't know that. Her only options were to 'crank that soulja boy' or try to do ballet anyway. She chose both.

She improvised with whatever ballet moves even mildly fit the tempo and rhythm of the song. She also did the soulja boy dance when she couldn't come up with a move fast enough. When she finished, only Harold, Ezekiel, Lindsay, and Geoff applauded. But only out of politeness, except for Geoff, who just really liked Soulja Boy and had been cheering and singing along throughout the whole performance.

"Heather, I'm ashamed of you. I expected better. 4 out of 10!" Chris announced, getting more applause than Heather's performance.

"It would've been better if you'd played the song I was prepared to dance to!"

"A true dancer can dance to any danceable dance, eh. Maybe you just ain't a true dancer," Ezekiel said in a horribly misguided attempt at calming Heather down. Fortunately for him, Heather was too far away to hear him.

Leshawna strutted across the stage before Chris could announce her. "Make way for the _real_ queen," she said, shoving Heather off stage, because karma's always a bitch in the first couple chapters.

Odette's Dance from Swan Lake began to play. Heather ran to try to rip Chris's head off, but was stopped by a thick layer of plot armor. "You jerk! That was my song! I'll kill you!" she shrieked.

"Silly Heather, no lasting harm can come to me, I'm the host with the most! And flying off the handle is Eva's shtick, not yours. Just sit down and watch Leshawna dance."

Leshawna began to "dance". While normally everyone would be appalled, seeing her hip hop and breakdancing inspired moves set to that song was so surreal that no one could react.

"Yeah baby! That's how I roll!" she shouted once the song ended. The crowd roared with applause, and Harold leapt into her arms.

"That was the most bootylicious boogie I've ever seen. Give daddy some sugar!" he wheezed. Leshawna gave him a kiss on the lips, Harold's favorite place to be kissed.

Chef held up their score, including the new Not-Heather bonus of half a point. It was a 5.5 with a question mark drawn after it. "So far, Heather's looking like a shoe in for Worst in Show."

"Are you judging a dog show or a talent competition?" Courtney asked.

"Ehhh, maybe. It is Heather," Chris answered, ignoring Heather's furious glares.

Izzy was tired of waiting for Chris to read her introduction, so she gave it herself. "And in this corner, from somewhere in Canada, weighing in at why should I tell you, the juggling juggernaut, the Kaleidoscopes' awesome leader, Sergeant E-Scope's Lonely Hearts Club Band! I guess it's not really a band, because it's just me, and I'm not even doing music, but I wanted to reference the Beatles! Is that so wrong?"

"It's only okay if you do it in moderation. We wouldn't want a whole chapter to dissolve into nothing but references to a band, even if it is the Beatles," Chris explained. Izzy and Harold nodded, and everyone else looked even more confused because they lacked the capabilities to see beyond the fourth wall.

Holding up two boring-looking juggling balls, Izzy motioned for the crowd to be quiet. She then threw the balls at Tyler and pulled out three knives. She started to throw the knives into the air, but got bored of them before she could get a real rhythm started. Letting the knives drop to the ground, she grabbed a chainsaw, a live fish, and Beth's fire baton. Then things got interesting. "Irene! Stop almost dying! Dead fish are waaay less fun to watch than live fish!" she scolded her fish as she threw it between the chainsaw and the fire.

"Okay, I'm cutting you off. Your act is taking too long. 8 out of 10!" Chris yelled. "Lindsay, you're up!"

A spotlight shone on Lindsay as she stood on the stage wearing her new bikini. What color was it, you ask? It was the same blue as her head scarf. "10 out of 10, no, wait, 11 out of 10! Best act of the night by far!" Chris cheered.

"Chris, stop rigging the competition for Lindsay just because you like her boobs!" Heather complained. "I thought Chef was judging this, anyways!" A perfect ten flashed on the Chef-O-Meter.

"I'm giving her a ten to prove I'm not gay!" Chef proudly proclaimed.

"That's not fair!" Courtney protested.

"I'm hot! Why didn't I get a cover-up ten?" Heather complained.

"Fine! She gets a 9.9999999," Chef yelled over them and all the other complaining campers.

"Whatever, at least it's not a ten," Trent said, shuddering.

"Now that that's over, Trent's going to show us that he's not only good at musical things by dancing!"

The fake drumroll started up as Trent took to the stage. This author got tired of doing a rubbish job of describing dancing, so now his act's done. It was apparently good enough to earn a 7 on the Chef-O-Meter. Trent shrugged.

"Next up, we have, eliminated waaaaay back in episode TEN because the Bass kind of sucked, Beth, who will hopefully not burn down the stage!" Chris announced.

A large group of interns that would be instantly recognizable to the readers as the entire ROTI cast stood by wearing protective suits and holding fire extinguishers as Beth took the stage. She twirled her fire baton increasingly rapidly, passing it from hand to hand, almost dropping it several times. The Gophers kept glancing at the interns whenever she slipped up. To finish her act, she threw the baton into the air where it managed to set half of the interns on fire before coming back down. Somehow she caught it.

"Hmm, you just burned up half the intern corps, but they were whiny and annoying and hard to feed. 2 point penalty! 4 out of 10!" Chef declared. And Chris saw that it was good.

"Performing a scene from a cinematic masterpiece, Badminton: the Movie, in the Gemmy nominated role of moi, Cody!"

Dramatic lighting hit the stage as emotional music started up. Cody was standing by the generously provided zombie props (aka the rest of the interns), brandishing a badminton racket. He swung it at a few of them and said Chris's most famous line as the music swelled. "It's not _bad_ minton, it's GOODMINTON!" He continued hitting interns with the racket. "Heck, it's _GREAT_ minton!"

Cody wasn't going to get the suck-up points he'd been aiming for because Chris wasn't judging him. Chef was, and he knew a bad actor when he saw one. So Cody only earned a 3.5 for his efforts. That's what he deserved for assuming sucking up would make him win.

"Next up is the moment I've been waiting for all night-"

"It's not night"

"SHUT UP! Justin's going to show us that he's not just hot, he's talented," Chris whined.

A row of female interns were standing on the stage. Sexyback started playing along with the fake drumroll as Justin stepped up to show his stuff. He posed as he walked and several of the girls fainted on the spot. One of them was just standing there, who will be described later. "Sorry, you're not my type."

After he heard that, Justin turned his charms up to 11 for the last girl in line. He didn't even have a chance to say anything before she toppled over. He smiled at Chef and waited for his score.

"Omigod, he killed Staci!" the nameless intern with blonde hair wearing pink that everyone knew was Dakota screeched.

"That bastard!" The… screw it, Sam, wailed.

"For both repeating your act from last season, doing a bad job at it, and killing a valuable intern, you get a 1. Oh, and to prove I'm not gay."

Blah, blah, blah, boring transition.

"Now, for the last act that can possibly fit in the timeslot for today, Noah is going to do something very boring," Chris announced.

"There's nothing boring about the greatest dramatist in history!" Noah protested.

"But I thought you were doing something by some old dead guy, not me," Chris replied.

"I said the greatest dramatist, not the greatest douchebag. Although I can see how you confused yourself with a dead guy, considering your career is dead enough that you already started another season."

The Chefometer flashed a perfect ten and Chef burst into applause.

"I didn't start yet, but whatever," Noah muttered as he walked off the stage to wild applause from his team.

The screen started fading to black as Chris shouted his closing dramatic remarks. "Will the Bass manage to outscore the Gophers, again? What talent could Tyler possibly have? And will Chef be able to support himself without this season's paycheck? Find out next time on Total. Drama. NOUN!"

After the screen had completely faded Harold could be heard saying, "GOSH! If you're going to have an arbitrary and impossible word count limit in the first chapter, you should use it in all of them! Idiots!"

* * *

 **AN: Hey guys, this story is hopefully gonna update sooner than bimonthly but where it stands right now that's what we're looking at for a schedule. So obviously we have a bit of a tough decision coming up... and we've already made it, but it's time to ask anyways: vote Zeke out first to make fun of the canon trend or keep him around for "character development" to make fun of the fanon trend?  
**


	3. Still Not Famous part 2

Episode 3:

"Previously on Total. Drama. Noun! A challenge finally started, most of the acts were boring, and somebody messed up my hair! When I find out who did it… You'll find out on... Total. _Drama_. NOUN!"

* * *

"Welcome back to the first ever Camp Wawanakwa talent competition!"

"What? We've definitely done this before. You even told us why we were redoing a challenge already!" Courtney complained.

"It's time to get this over with. As the Bass who made it furthest in the first season, Duncan's going first!" Chris continued, ignoring her.

Duncan shrugged and motioned for Harold to come up onstage with him. Harold went willingly, despite his history with Duncan and the fact that this technically violated their agreement. He strapped himself onto a spinning wheel and waited for Duncan to start. Duncan took his time getting his knives out, and the crowd was getting bored. As soon as his knives were ready, he threw them rapid-fire around Harold, pinning him to the wheel. The Chef-o-meter showed an 8 out of 10.

"And a great start to the Bass's performance! Get off the stage!"

Duncan sat down in a row of the bleachers that had magically cleared itself of fangirls between chapters. Harold was still strapped to the wheel, but nobody really cared.

"Up next is something all you pervs out there have been waiting for, Gidgette's make-out session o' the day!"

Suggestive music started playing as Geoff and Bridgette took the stage. Then they made out. Neither author has made out with anyone, but according to this author's roommate it involves tongues going down each other's throats and the guy always loses his gum. Fortunately, Geoff had made out enough with Bridgette enough to know that she hated it when he forgot to spit out his gum beforehand. It was hot, heavy, and several non-fangirls in the audience were turned on despite not caring.

"Seven! Great! Break it up, you two!" Chris said as he struggled to pry Geoff and Bridgette apart. Eventually, he succeeded despite their objections. "Next up is… um… DJ!"

DJ took the stage holding a bowl of leftovers from breakfast. Not even Chef could tell what kind of food it was supposed to be. "For my act," DJ announced, "I will take this slop and make it edible!" A gasp rose through the audience as DJ pulled out a small shaker with a heart label and shook it over the food three times. He then stopped, slowly circled the bowl of glop, and raised it above his head. After holding it there for thirty seconds, he brought it down. "All right, Chef, it's ready!"

As the large man brought a spoon of the stuff warily to his lips, Chris told DJ that he would not be able to use his trick on everyday food, as that would defeat the purpose of having disgusting sludge. The other campers were, naturally, upset, but the Killer Bass cheered up when Chef announced DJ's score. "Eight!"

"We all know what she's going to, but let's watch anyway because otherwise she'll kill us! Eva, everyone!" Chris cringed and took several steps back as Eva stomped past him.

"I'm gonna sing a song! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" Eva bellowed, holding an electric guitar in her hands. Everyone was stunned silent. Harold appeared on stage with his keyboard, unnoticed by the general audience, and began to play when Eva did. " _Du… du hast… du hast mich,_ " she intoned. She had chosen a metal song in her native language, partially to show off the fact that she could do more than just be strong and partly because her vocal range was abysmal. Chef gave her a 7.5, more stunned that she didn't just lift weights or something than impressed by her song.

"Our next performer is going to do….. something," Chris improvised, puzzled by the words written on his cue card.

Harold was very irritated at Chris, as usual. "Gosh! I already said I'd be figure skating! Pay attention!"

"I wasn't there for that soo… good luck skating without any ice."

It turned out that Harold didn't need luck because he had an industrial-sized jug of dish soap. Soap and ice are pretty much the same thing, so it didn't even slow him down. He pulled off a practically flawless routine filled with flips, triple lutzes, and axels almost consecutively. The crowd went wild. Chef had no choice but to give him a ten.

"Oh look, somebody who gave me information about their act before walking on stage! Courtney's song is 24 Caprices by Paganini, which I've never heard of but I was informed is extremely difficult. Let's see if that's true!" Chris beamed.

Courtney took the stage, violin in hand. She played it. She done good. Cheering, score that's probably too low, um…. nine? Sure, now it's a nine. Lower than Lindsey's cover-up score.

"Wasn't that the best violin solo you've ever seen? I had no idea Courtney had this much showmanship! Following that act is KatieandSadie, doing the same crummy dance that kept them out of the competition last time!"

"Our dance is not crummy!" Katie complained.

She was promptly proved wrong after about two minutes of their dance. A Miley Cyrus hip-hop song disguised as country blared from the speakers while they just sorta flailed around. It was painfully awkward to watch. Chef cut off the music before it could get even awkwarder. "What in the name of Hannah Montana was that supposed to be? I've seen hamsters dance better than that! Sadie gets a two, Katie gets a 2.5."

"That's not fair! We did like, exactly the same thing." Sadie grumbled.

"Really? You both should've gotten ones! The song told you what to do and you still failed! Katie got a half-point hotness/proving-I'm-not-gay-bonus."

Chris cleared his throat. "A- _hem_ _,_ I'm not getting any screentime here! He's going to yo-yo! All up in this joint! Everybody get ready, though no amount of preparation could save you from what is to come: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's TYLERRRRRRRRRRR!"

As soon as Tyler had noticed that Eva wasn't just going to show up his amazing feats of finger strength (aka yo-yo tricks), he changed his game plan. He wasn't just going to yo-yo, he was going to upstage _Eva_ by doing what he does best: singing. Just to rub it in even more, he would still do his original act. A cheesy backdrop with a tree on it fell out of the sky and intense music started up. Harold appeared with his keyboard to provide the best accompaniment he felt like: only Ds.

"Oh yeah! I'm so awesome! I'm so awesome! I can yo-yo! Watch me yo-yo! My sweatband's red! I have a head! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! YEEEEEEEEAAAAHH!" Tyler screamed as he shook his yo-yo at the crowd, managing to tie himself up. He then tripped over the tree on the backdrop, causing the entire thing to fall down and catch fire somehow.

"11! Best comedy act I've seen in years! Encore!" Chef cheered as he tried to give Tyler a standing ovation. Nobody else joined in, so he sunk back into his seat to pout. Just then, a legion of fangirls led by Sierra applauded so loudly that the fire Tyler somehow set went out.

Chris stood in the middle of the stage because he could. "Well, that sure was convenient. The Gophers lead by almost half a point. All Zeke has to do is get half a point to win it for the Bass! But is his rapping up to 'scratch'? See what I did there? DO YOU SEE?!"

"Gosh! That's not even a rap-related pun! If you're gonna add in unfunny jokes, at least be topical about it!" Harold scolded

Zeke took the stage, dressed in the finest wannabe-rapper clothing Wal-Mart could provide. Harold yawned and walked up, ready to half-heartedly beatbox. "Uh-huh. Yeah. YO! Listen up homeslice, I'm the raddest around! All the ladies stop and stare when I come to town! My toque is super fly, I am a rapper guy! For shizzle my hizzle this is the drizzle in the nizzle!" Then he dropped the mic and waited for the praise his art deserved. Instead he got buried in a pile of shoes.

"My favorite part was when they threw the shoes at you. Half point! Your comedy act wasn't nearly as good as Tyler's," Chef stated. Much complaining ensued from the Gophers, which Chris interpreted as them being jealous that most of the other team was more talented than they'd ever be.

Chris finally had all he could take of the whining. "Shush! I know you're all talentless hacks-"

"We couldn't do repeat acts and you sabotaged me!" Heather yelled.

"-but even if Zeke had gotten a zero, you would've lost anyways! After reviewing the footage, it has come to my attention that _one_ of you messed with my hair. Owen has officially lost _all_ his points!"

Owen didn't really care, but neither did the rest of his team since they'd technically already lost. "And with that, it's time to cast your votes!" Chris announced, snapping his fingers. The Gophers suddenly appeared at the bonfire area. There was a raging fire, a lot of stumps, and possibly a totem pole.

Izzy, who had been busy casting her vote and making her decision, arrived at the fire pit as soon as Chris reached the "when I call your name, come up and collect your marshmallow" part of his monologue. He didn't miss a beat, though he sent her a death glare.

"As you all know, Izzy is the first ever contestant to receive the Marked for Elimination penalty! Will she overcome it? Let's find out. First marshmallow goes to… Beth!" Beth got her marshmallow.

Chris pointed at the next few camptestants in a row. "Cody, Noah, Trent, Leshawna, Justin, you all get a marshmallow!"

He straightened a few random pieces of paper in his hands and surveyed the four unlucky teens who had votes against them. "I can think of a good reason for any one of you to be sent home. And so could your teammates, because they're the ones who voted for you. Gwen! Your act insulted me, and it's not a good idea to insult the host with the most. Izzy! You've been marked for elimination, so you have at least three votes against you already. Heather! Nobody likes you and you're obviously evil. And Owen, who ruined my hair on international television and nearly lost you the challenge. Who's going to get the next marshmallow, you might ask? Gwen!

"Next up is… Izzy!" Chris barely managed to dodge the pointed toasting stick the redhead threw at him. "Man, it's like she's _trying_ to get the Marked for Elimination penalty every time! Campers, there is one more marshmallow. And it goes to…" Chris paused for an inordinately long amount of time before announcing, "Owen."

He let the campers cheer before crushing their hope with a "However… this elimination isn't based on your votes!"

"Say what now?" Leshawna gasped, stopping her victory dance to the relief of everyone.

"Darn it, I knew something like this was gonna happen! He never went through his whole spiel about how the losing team would have to vote someone off!" Izzy exclaimed.

A screen was lowered from somewhere by a rope. "And now to see who each of you voted for! Think of it as a chance to see what your teammates really think of you." Chris turned it on with a remote he'd been hiding behind his back.

"Who did I vote for? Heather! She is the-" Leshawna said from the confessional.

"-meanest,-" Trent continued.

"-nastiest-" Gwen said, disgusted.

"I vote for Gwen," Heather stated calmly in the middle of the retooled footage from the last season. Someone in editing was going to lose their job.

"-most cold-hearted-" Noah droned, totally uncaring.

"-meanie-" quoth Beth.

"-in all of-" Cody added.

"KALAMAZOO!" Owen ranted.

"Also she's a *censored blue streak*!" Lindsay shouted.

"I vote for Owen, because he won already, could've lost this for us, and because he creeps on me," Justin reasoned.

Izzy did a handstand over the toilet. "Well, obviously I _have_ to vote for Heather because I got that stupid penalty so if everyone voted for different people I'm gone! Not that they would, because everyone hates Heather, but if like everyone forgot that somehow or Chris keeps her around for better ratings or something like he did last season when I got eliminated again… well, of course he did, why else wouldn't everyone have just gotten rid of her? She was totally loco! Maybe they felt bad for the people in the playa and didn't wanna make them deal with her! Yeah! They're so nice, like my buddy- aw crap, the ceremony's starting without me! BYE!"

"That… didn't tell us anything," Gwen pointed out.

Chris staggered back as if he'd been impaled. "Of course it did! Now you know that everyone wants Heather to go down, Owen's a creep, and Heather hates Gwen! Vital insight on your fellow camptestants! But in the end, none of it mattered because as the two Gophers who did the worst, Owen and Justin are off to the Playa! Together."

Justin froze in place and had to be carried onto the boat by Chef. Owen shrugged and got in the boat. The Playa had way better food than Wawanakwa, and Justin would be there! They would be "friends" forever!

* * *

 **Author's note: All right, it's time to explain why the elimination happened. Why Owen? He always gets voted off first/early in these kinds of fics due to overexposure (though personally TDRR made me love him more than I ever have). Justin on the other hand… well, he doesn't have much of a personality in canon and he's the hardest to write. Can't even think of anything the fandom likes to do with him off the top of my head. So he's gone.**

 **Elimination Order: Owen, Justin**


End file.
